The Conversations That Consume My Day

Me: Graham, get out of the front seat and get in your seat.

Graham: I big boy, mommy!! I'm going to drive!

Me: Graham, I know you're a big boy. However, you may not drive!

Graham: I BIG BOY!!!

Me: You have to be as big as mommy and daddy to drive, son. Get in your carseat. NOW! (as I
must crawl through the car and physically put him in his carseat. A few people in the parking lot had even stopped to hear this conversation and were laughing. At least we provided a good show!)


Marshall: Momma, why are there spikey things on my penis???

Me: Uhhhh...spikey things?!? (as I think to myself this CANNOT be good)

Marshall: Yeah, spikey things under my penis. (as he proceeds to show me said spikey things)

Me: Well, Marshall, those aren't spikey things. You're just obviously a little cold.

Marshall: Why???? Why does cold make spikey things on my penis???

Me: Marshall, that is a VERY good question for daddy...

Patrick: What day is it???

Me: Tuesday (or whatever random day it is, being that we have this conversation multiple times per day)

Patrick: What day comes after Tuesday?

Me: Wednesday.

Patrick: What day comes after Wednesday?

Me: Thursday.

Patrick: What day comes after Thursday?

Me: Friday. Then Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Patrick: No, what day comes after Friday?

I'm sure you can see where this conversation is going. I am not allowed to just say the days of the week. I must answer as he asks. Let me tell you, I get quite tired of having this conversation with Patrick. Hopefully soon he will learn the days of the week.

Any of the 3 boys riding in the car: My penis hurts!!!!!

Me: I'm sorry. Why does it hurt???

Boys: Because you're going to fast!! (Or slow, or stopped, etc...)

Me: I'm not going to fast. Scoot your bootie back in your carseat and see if that helps.

Boys: IT DOESN'T!!! Stop the car. My penis STILL hurts!!!

Me: I cannot stop on the interstate because your penis hurts. I'm sorry. It will be okay.

Boys: MY PENIS HURTS!!!!

This conversation is a vicious cycle. Once they are on the subject it just doesn't stop until we are out of the car. There are even these railroad tracks that we go over often and every time it's gets them fired up because it makes their boy parts hurt!! Only boys...

Boys: Someone pooped on the club house!!! (the bottom part of our outdoor playset)

Me: WHAT?!? Boys that not funny. Stop playing around.

Boys: But there's poop in there!!! It's doggy poop. No, it's Graham poop!

Graham: Not me!!! I didn't poop!!!

Me: Show me. DO NOT touch. Just point where it is. (sure enough there was human poop in the club house.)

Boys: EWWWWW!!!!!

Me: WHO POOPED IN THE CLUB HOUSE?!? TELL ME NOW!!!

Boys: Graham!! Patrick!! Marshall!! (the blame game)

Me: Everyone inside. I will find out who did it. I'm going to wipe your booties. Who ever has poop on their bootie obviously pooped in the club house.

Boys: Uhhhhh....(busted!!! lots of blank stares at this point.)

Me: Patrick you're clean. Graham you still have on your diaper. MARSHALL!!!! You are NOT clean. WHY did you do that?!? (goofy Marshy grin and I think I may have had scary red eyes at this point and fire coming out of my mouth!!) TIME OUT BUDDY! NOW!

Why is that that nearly ALL of the conversations at my house are centered around body parts and/or bodily function?!? I've been warned that boys will not outgrow this for quite some time, probably not until they're like 40. Nice...